I Thought I will Never Find a Way Without You… but…

February 22, 2009. 

I am crying. I am sitting on the plane and counting rosary on my hand and I am talking to you…

I remember 17th of February when you suggested to have the last ride before midnight on the subway and walk in the city. And it was my last ride… I took a picture with the trees, lied down on the grass even though it was a winter time. I was laughing and I was young. I did not think that I will be mature one day… I did not think that I am going to move one day and left you. I met you when I was 18 and you were my first love, my plan… my first romantic story… my almost lover. I learned how to read between the lines and listen between your lies but I was in love. Unfortunately, I was not an Uzbek but I tried my best to cook mantys and clean up the house cleaner than a typical Uzbek girl. I learned how to love without prejudice, and cook without salt… I learned how to make you smile and believe in your words… I learned how love may be unconditional… and stayed naive… I touched your hand every morning and kissed your face every night… I felt asleep with you and opened my eyes with your voice… It was an amazing feeling to know that you can love and fly at the same time. And now… I am losing it…  I am losing you. I am sitting on this plane and counting rosary on my hand from Eleonora. And I am crying… I am going to nowhere without you. And I am scared of being alone and without you. My tears cannot stop… my neighbors just asked me what is going on with me… and I am talking to you… I am losing signal… I am losing you. I will never find a right way without you. I love you.

February 22, 2011.

I lost you.

February 21, 2014.

Tomorrow is my 5th anniversary. And I am happy that life gave me this chance to break me once and gave me a second chance to create my own story. It was tears… but tears of happiness. Naive behavior disappeared… but core stayed the same. You broke my youth plans of the big love and made me emotionally stronger. I lost you… but I got an experience instead. I thought I will never find a way without you… and will never fall in love… and no one will lead me… but I was wrong. Yes… I am not an Uzbek still but I found my personality here. Being unique does not mean to be different. After 3 long years, I opened my mind to something new. Now I share my thoughts with an amazing person. Looking in to His eyes, I feel save… I can hold his hand and rub his back in the night. I am looking in to his eyes and it makes me smile. He does not talk much but I am fascinated with silence that we have. I may not see him but I always feel his back… I am not ashamed of my tiny eyes and my Russian accent… We are Different and Nothing is Wrong with it… Lack of language makes me armless but excess of emotions helps me to talk without using words… When I lost balance, he came to my life. And every day I want to thank him… Why? How Americans say, “Just because”.

PS. I am sitting and counting rosary on my hand… Life is an amazing thing though. 🙂 Smile.