I met him when I was 15.

I met him when I was fifteen. I was too young and didn’t understand who is He and what kind of pain he could make. I was lost when I saw him in our family… I was so egoistic to meet him face-to face… I just… I was too young too understand his power.

Everybody said about the pain that he “gave” my brother. However he hurt me as well. My brother died because of Him. C* just wanted it.  Everything should be as C* wanted.

My brother… he always gave me a huge smile and a lot of laugh when I was a kid. He explained me how to do a math and always took me on his hands. He could make bear hugs and the sweetest cheeks kisses in the world. We still have a picture of him when he was in army; he looks so funny on it; he was bold and wearing a grey uniform. He was an amazing young man who was in love in this life, his girls and the whole family. He promised me to hold my hand on my wedding day. When I was a kid, he said to me, “Don’t worry, it will be not that easy for your fiancée to steal you from us [family].” He promised me that he would support me and take my hand and dance with him on that day. He dreamed about the time when we could sit and talk after 10, 20, 30 years and summarize our lives. He had a dream to have a big family like we had a many years ago… he was a piece of my life; he was a strong man… yes… he Was.

 

He couldn’t protect himself from C*’s power.
C* was like a Love. Nobody cannot see Him… but everybody might feel his pain and how he breaks faith and our future. He might come today, he might live with you for a long time, sometimes he might leave you forever and you never know when he decide to come back. He was a stranger for everybody, especially for our family.

My brother said, “You have to be strong enough to believe in your power, to believe in yourself, Anastacia. Trust me. I will be fine.” It was the last time when I saw his smile…

Two months ago one of my friend met C*. Her name is Anastacia too. I didn’t know why it was she. She was a shiny young girl in her 20’s; her laugh gave warmth to everybody, and her smile was a good medicine from depression and stress. She was an amazing young woman with a Napoleon’s plans for her entire life. She was a very talented dancer. She might show her life thru dancing. I can’t write about it… It hurts… It hurts right now. I can think a lot about Him, about his affection to other people. I thought maybe He is in love in strong people who may laugh, smile and enjoy everyday in their lives. I am in the puzzle of my thoughts; I cannot think. She was gone few months ago with Him… and I cannot believe in it. She couldn’t hesitate as well…

Today I had a call from my good friend. He reminded me about Him again. I cannot recognize and predict his next destination or his next choice. My brother met him in Europe, my girlfriend met him in Asia, and last week He took my friend from Russia. I don’t understand… Why?! This is a stupid question “why?” and it kills me sometimes because I couldn’t find a right answer.

My dear friend Anastacia, I know… you will never read this message, but I want to tell you… Just… thank you for your brilliant life and spirit you gave me when I saw you at my first dance class. I don’t have any words and feelings inside of me right now. Everything’s gone.

C*, I don’t know how many people you want to take with you… please leave us alone. I don’t want to know you anymore… I don’t want to remember about you… Three of them for the last five years… I think it’s enough. Stop. Please…
I don’t want to fight with you. I don’t want to be your enemy but I don’t want to be your friend either. I don’t want to understand that fact that you collect my friends’ lives. We have a power inside to understand that you are just C* and we are people.

Live alone and Leave us alone.

 

C* – Cancer.

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